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May, 2014

Battered and broken

By May 16, 2014 Thoughts

huge_waves_1029The past couple of weeks have been bad. I feel like Im drowning , repeatedly battered by huge waves, held down and unable to surface.

On 2nd May, my dad passed away very suddenly.

This is the second death in my family in 5 months…the third in 2 years. When is this going to stop?

I am sad, angry and afraid. I feel like I’m in a tunnel, and I can’t see the light at the end of it.

My strength is waning. I have stopped going to the gym, have given up on my shoulder exercises and have been eating really unhealthily. The sea feels like a million miles away and with so much going on, I can’t get to the coast anytime soon. I know that surfing would help yet at the same time, I feel too exhausted, weighed down and shrouded by a fog to make the 200 mile journey.

This is not what my dad would have wanted.

The very opposite of me, he was very laid back and didn’t let anything worry him or get him down. He lived life to the full, was always happy and laughing and would not have wanted me to be in the depths of despair. We didn’t have a close relationship , and he wasn’t very good with the emotional stuff, but I realise now, belatedly, from speaking to his friends and with family just how proud he was of me and how much he loved me.

I wished I had paid more attention when he was alive and taken a leaf or two out of his book – the leaves that read ‘take life less seriously’, ‘take some chances’….

But I didn’t, and so all I can do now is regain my strength and live life to the max. To go surfing at every opportunity, push myself to do things outside of my comfort zone and ensure that I can look back one day and honestly say that I got the most out of life.

So, Dad, the next surf will be for you…..

 

 

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